Silence
by Marbears
Summary: Callie and Arizona 9x24 - My first story please be kind.
1. Chapter 1

I don't remember walking out of the on call room; I don't remember Alex telling me they need me in the NICU, all I can think is what I have done. With the storm now calming down I head towards my wife's office and with every step it feels like pieces of my heart are breaking off. How do I tell my wife, the love of my life, that I slept with someone else? As I reach her door, I slowly open it and see Callie and our daughter sleeping on the sofa. I try to step forward and enter her office but I can't, I am frozen, I just stare at my family knowing that this is the last moment we could truly be a family. I am shaken out of my moment when I hear Sofia starting to wake up. I step forward to get her so my wife can sleep a little longer. As I pick her up she looks at me with those beautiful brown eye she got from her Mami and I cant help but break down. What have I done? Sofia sees my tears and tries to wipe them away which only makes me cry more, this innocent tiny human who I love with all my heart, is about the lose the only family she has left. I have destroyed my family and in the process I have realized I am not who I was, I don't know who I am anymore. I look over to where Callie is laying down and I see her starting to wake up and my stomach drops as she opens her beautiful eyes and looks at me. She sees my tears and quickly gets up to see what's the matter and all I can do is shake my head. She takes Sofia from me and places her on the ground and gives her some toys all the meanwhile I am trying to find the words to tell her what I have done. When Callie looks back at me with so much concern and worry in her eyes I take a deep breath and just say it "I slept with Lauren". The look on my wife's face is heartbreaking; her once magical and soulful eyes turn to ones full of sadness with a touch of anger. I try to say more but no words will come out so I just stand there and watch her try to process the 4 words that have now ripped our lives apart. After a few minutes I finally find the words and say "I'm so sorry, I can't explain why it happened, all I know is that when it did I felt like my old self again, that I wasn't the doctor who was in a plane crash and lost her leg, I was me." I watch the emotions run across her beautiful face as I try to explain why it happened and my heart breaks even more. She looks so sad, confused and angry and it's all because of me. After a few more minutes she hasn't said a word so I ask her to "say anything, please just tell me what you're thinking". I see her right hand grasp her left and as I watch her take her ring off her finger I start to cry. She goes and picks up Sofia and as she walks by me she hands me her ring and walks away.


	2. Chapter 2

Callie's POV

I wake up to find my wife standing in my office holding our daughter and she is crying. My first thought is oh my god did she get hurt? Did the storm bring back painful memories from the plane crash? I quickly get up and walk over to her and ask her "what's wrong?" and she just shakes her head. I take our sweet Sofia and place her on the floor so she can play with some of her toys while I tend to my wife. When I turn around and look at Arizona trying to figure out what possibly could have happened I see her take a deep breath and then I hear the four words I will never forget "I slept with Lauren". As my brain processes those words a million thoughts run through my mind. Did I hear her correctly? Am I still dreaming? Did I get hit by something and fall unconscious and I am just having a nightmare? But when I look into her eyes I know I am awake and this moment is very real. I start to feel my heart race and I start to panic on the inside and I can hear her talking but I can't make out what she is saying because all I can think is it happened again. I gave myself to someone and once again I get hurt. I thought for sure Arizona would never do this to us, to our family, I thought this was it and I found the one person that would never hurt me this way. Yes it's been rough with the breakup, Africa, and the crashes but we have always made it through, we always came out the other side, we are made for each other. As I stand here trying to process all these thoughts running through my head Arizona's voice breaks through and I hear "say anything, please just tell me what you're thinking." But I can't, I don't know what to think anymore, my whole world has been turned upside down by four simple words. I look down at the floor trying to gather all the thoughts racing through my head when I see the ring on my left hand, the ring that was supposed to mean forever. I take my right hand and touch my ring and it feels like it's burning my skin, I can't wear this, not right now, not while I try to sort out everything. It would just serve as a constant reminder of what I have lost so I slowly remove my wedding ring then go and pick up our sweet girl. As I walk by Arizona I hand her my wedding ring as tears finally start to fall from my eyes and I just walk away because people always leave but this time it has to be me.


	3. Chapter 3

Arizona POV

I look down at the ring in my hand and feel my whole world collapse in on me. I feel my right leg start to shake and the next thing I know I am lying on the ground and I have no strength to pull myself up. I don't know how long I lay on the floor for crying but when I finally get the strength to pull myself back up I grab Calliope's wedding ring and head to the locker room. I grab my things and head home. I need to speak to Callie, I need for her to hear me out and most importantly I need to know what she is thinking. As I enter our building and get in the elevator I start to get panic, what if she isn't there? What if she packed up and left? What if she took Sofia? As I reach the door to our apartment I stop, do i let myself in or do I knock? While I stand there deciding what to do I hear some movement in the apartment so I grab the doorknob and open the door. As the door opens I look up and see Callie dragging suitcases out of our bedroom and I start to cry. She looks up at me and I can tell that she has been crying as well, her eyes are all red and puffy. I ask her "what are you doing, please don't leave, we need to talk about this". I watch as Callie goes back into our room and grab another bag, when she comes out I finally notice it's not her things she has packed, it's mine. I look at her and she just shakes her head and goes back into the bedroom and shuts the door. I go to open the bedroom door but it's locked. I knock and say "Callie please don't do this, please open the door and talk to me, yell at me if you want, just please say something your scaring me". I sit down outside the door and wait for what seems like hours but she doesn't say a word. I start to feel my leg getting sore from sitting on the ground for so long so I get up and head to Sofia's room. As I open the door i see my sweet, sweet girl asleep in her bed and it feels as though the last piece of my heart breaks. I walk into her room and brush the hair off her face and and apologize to her "I'm so so sorry bug, momma did something horrible and I have hurt your Mami so much I don't think she will ever forgive me". After a few minutes I start to feel the exhaustion finally start to set in so I pull the rocking chair in her room closer to her bed and sit. I must have dozed off because I am startled out of my sleep when I hear Sofia start to cry. I pull myself out of the chair and try to soothe her back to sleep but she won't settle down so I climb into bed with her and place her on my chest and rub her back like I used to do when she first came home from the hospital. It works and within a few minutes she is back to sleep. I lye there rubbing her back wondering if this is the last time I will get to do this. I know Callie said she would never keep Sofia from me but that was before I broke her heart into a million pieces, before I betrayed in her in a way she never thought I would. So I just lay here with my baby girl cherishing this moment, the feeling of her in my arms as I wait to see what the future holds.


	4. Chapter 4

Callie's POV

I leave my wife standing in my office. I just need to get out of the hospital and far away so I can think, so I can process the many thoughts running through my mind. I take Sofia back to our apartment so she can get some sleep and as soon I enter it hits me, everything is different. I can feel myself start to get angry so I take Sofia into her room and place her in her bed and she instantly falls asleep. I gently close her door and head into our bedroom.

As I enter the bedroom it feels like the air has been taken right out of my lungs and I start to cry. I look around the room and the more I see the angrier I get. I start to rip her clothes out of our closet and dresser and throw them on the bed. Once all her stuff is on the bed I grab her suitcases and start filling them. After I have all her clothes packed I take them out to the living room and as I walk out of the bedroom I look up and see her standing there. She sees the suitcases and asks me "what are you doing, please don't leave, we need to talk about this" but I can't stop now, if I do I might lose my nerve so I go back into the room and grab the last bag and bring it back out. As I set the final bag down I look up and see Arizona slowly start to realize that it's not my bags that I packed, that they are hers. I can see the thoughts running through her head and I know she is going to try and talk so I just shake my head and walk back into our room and lock the door.

I walk over to the bed and lie down. I roll over on my side and just stare at her side of the bed while I try to figure out what I did to make her cheat. Was I not attentive enough? Did she still blame me for telling Karev to amputate her leg? Did she not find me attractive anymore? As I lay here trying to figure it all out I hear her knock on the door and say "Callie please don't do this, please open the door and talk to me, yell at me if you want, just please say something you're scaring me" but I can't face her yet, I just need time and silence to sort through it all, so I say nothing. I hear her shuffle around outside our room and then I hear a thud against the door and then silence.

I stare at the wall across the room for I don't know how long when I hear some noises coming through the baby monitor sitting on the nightstand. I go to get up when I hear Arizona say "I'm so so sorry bug, momma did something horrible and I have hurt your mami so much I don't think she will ever forgive me." Hearing this just breaks my heart even more, how do we explain all of this to a toddler? How do I tell her that not only has she lost her dad this year but that her momma and I aren't going to be living together anymore? I just lay there and cry and try to think about where we go from here and how our lives are going to change. I start to feel my eyes get heavy and I am almost asleep when I hear Sofia start to cry. I roll over onto my back when I hear Arizona trying to soothe her back to sleep like only she can but when that doesn't work I can hear shuffling through the monitor and I know that Arizona is laying with Sofia probably rubbing her back because Sofia stops crying and all I hear is Arizona humming. As I lay in bed listening to Arizona hum to Sofia I slowly drift to sleep hoping this was all a bad dream.


	5. Chapter 5

Arizona's POV

I open my eyes and for a brief second I wonder why am I in Sofia's bed? and then reality hits me like a freight train. Everything comes flooding back and my eyes fill with tears, I can't believe I did this, I can't believe I hurt my family so much, it feels like a nightmare that I just can't wake up from. As I look down I see Sofia still sleeping on my chest, her innocent little face so relaxed and it makes me cry even more. I slowly lift Sofia off me and gently lay her down on her bed so she doesn't wake up and I go check on Callie, to see if she is ready to talk yet.

I get to our bedroom door praying she has unlocked it but no such luck, so I head to the kitchen and grab a piece of paper and pen to write her a letter. If she isn't going to talk to me, maybe I can get her to tell me what she is thinking on paper. I can't take this silence; I need to know where we stand, if there is a chance we can work through this. As I think about what to write I look towards the door and I see my suitcases sitting there and I know it doesn't look good but until Calliope tells me we are officially over I won't give up. I look back down to the piece of paper in front of me and I know this is the most important thing I will write in my life so I take my time thinking about what I want to say, this is my last chance. As I sit there thinking about what to write I look down and see my wedding ring and I know what I have to say, as soon as I place the pen on the piece of paper it all just rushes out of me. When I finish writing the letter, I gently fold it and push it under the door. I take one last look around and then grab my bags and head out the door, if Calliope needs time and space to work through this I will give it to her. As I walk out the door I pray that Calliope will read the letter and that I still have a chance to save my family.

Short chapter, next one will be longer and will include Arizona's letter to Callie.


	6. Chapter 6

Callie's POV:

I slowly start to wake up and instinctively reach over to Arizona's side of the bed but when I am met with cold sheets it all comes flooding back. I roll over and lay on my back and just stare at the ceiling wondering how did all of this all happen? how did my family get torn apart? and that I still can't believe my wife, the absolute love of my life cheated on me. As I lie there still trying to process this all I hear shuffling outside my door and see the door handle move. I don't move or say a word, I am still not ready to see her or hear what she has to say. I just lay there staring off into space while my mind tries to piece together why this all happened. I don't know how long I lay there but I am startled out of my thoughts when I hear more shuffling outside the door and as I turn to face the door I see a piece of paper being pushed under it. I lay there staring at the piece of paper trying to decide if I want to read it. While I am trying to decide I hear the wheels of Arizona's suitcase being dragged across the floor and then I hear a door shut. The sound of the door closing and Arizona leaving makes me get out of bed and get the letter. I go back and sit on the bed and stare at the letter wavering back forth about whether or not to read it but I finally decide to just get it over with and see what she has to say.

_My Dearest Calliope,_

_I know what you're thinking "don't Calliope me" but I can't help it you are my Calliope or at least I hope you still are or might one day be again. I don't know where to start so I will just start by saying that I love you more than anything, I know that is hard for you to believe right now but it's the truth. What I did, I can't explain, I just know that I will regret it for the rest of my life. I only know that when I did it I felt like my old self again, I felt like I did before the plane crash. I know it doesn't make any sense and I am not trying to excuse what I did but I am trying to explain what I was feeling when I did it. I just want you to know that none of this is your fault, I don't blame you for anything and I know you did what you had to do to save my life. I am so sorry for the way I treated you, I berated you and made you out to be the bad guy for months and you stayed by my side and took it all; you were my good man in a storm. You stuck by me even though you were hurting and you took care of our Sofia and for that I will forever be grateful. This whole situation has made me realize that I am not okay, that I can't heal myself, that I need help. Yes I said it "I need help". I just wish I realized this sooner and that I didn't need to hurt you and Sofia in the process. I am a mess Calliope and I am trying to get better but I think it will just take some time, so until I can get the mess inside my head straightened out, I will give you the space and time you need. I won't try to corner you and make grand speeches until you forgive me because I know that won't fix this, fix us. I am going to make an appointment to talk to someone so I can start to figure out what is wrong with me and how to fix me and hopefully one day once I figure it all out you will let me try and fix us too. I know I don't have the right to ask anything of you but I am going to ask that you please let me see Sofia, let me still be her Momma. I know you once said that I will always be her Momma but that was before all of this. I know I have the "piece of paper" stating i am her Momma but I don't want to fight you on this, I don't want to cause you more pain so please I am begging you to not take her away from me. I know it doesn't seem like it right now but I love you and Sofia so much and I am so, so sorry that this happened, that I failed you as a wife but I will do whatever it takes to try and fix this, please know that Calliope. I just hope that one day you will be able to forgive me for what I have done._

_Love,_

_Arizona_

I just sit there reading the letter over and over through tear filled eyes trying so hard to hang onto the anger I feel inside but the anger slowly subsides. As I stare at the letter I start to realize that she is right, she hasn't been my Arizona since the crash, she has been slowly getting better but she still wasn't the same. I should have made her go talk to someone about the crash or made her talk to me more about it, about how she was feeling but I didn't, i didnt want to push her too far and lose her but now look at us I have lost her. So i give her the only thing i can right now, I reach over to my nightstand and grab my cell phone and pull up Arizona's number and text her "you will always be Sofia's Momma".


	7. Chapter 7

Arizona's POV:

It's been a month since I wrote Callie that letter and she has yet to say one word to me. If she wants me to take Sofia she will send me a text message asking if I am available. If I want to see Sofia I will send her a text and she will drop Sofia off at the hospital daycare and I will pick her up. I continue to support her wishes and haven't approached her or tried to call her even though that's exactly what I want to do. It's been the longest two weeks of my life not talking to her, I miss our conversations, I miss her laugh and the way her eyes would light up when she would talk about something she is passionate about. I miss everything about her. At night I lay in bed and have trouble falling asleep because she isn't next to me, I can't feel the heat radiate from her body or her arms around my waist. The nights where I wake up because of a flashback from the crash are the worst. I usually can't fall back asleep; I just lie there and think about the crash and what we went through over those four days.

I have been seeing a therapist a few times a week and it's helped a bit but I can't seem to focus on getting myself better when I don't know where we stand or what Calliope is thinking. I am really trying not to push her but this feeling of not knowing what she wants is eating me alive. I can't focus on anything. So I decide to send her a text asking if she is ready to talk or if she doesn't want to talk to me yet if she would at least write to me, telling me what she is thinking. I hit send and then just wait, staring at my phone just waiting for her response but nothing comes. After a few hours of just sitting there staring at my phone I give up and head to the tiny kitchen in my new apartment to grab a drink. As I walk back over to the couch I glance over to the door and notice a piece of paper has been slipped underneath. I set my drink down on the table and go over and get it and as I lift it up I notice the handwriting, its Calliopes.

As I sit on the couch and stare at the piece of paper I have been waiting for what seems like years for, I have become frozen with fear and can't open it. What if she doesn't want to try and fix us? What if she can never forgive me? As I sit there trying to process all the "what ifs" I start to think what if she does want to try again? What if she says she will try and forgive me? So I slowly unfold the piece of paper and read line by line what she has to say. When I finish the letter I just sit there stunned not knowing what to think.


	8. Chapter 8

Callie's POV

It's been a couple weeks since Arizona left, two weeks of sleeping alone in our bed and two weeks of no talking. It's not that I don't want to talk to her yet, it's just that I don't know what I would say. I am hoping that with time I will figure out what I want to say to her and more importantly I will know what I want. Right now I don't know if I want to stay married, if I want to fight for what we once had. I am still so angry with her for sleeping with someone else; I can't look at her without thinking about it. So to keep myself sane, I have requested that when she wants Sofia we do the exchange at the hospital daycare so we don't have to see each other. I know it seems petty and childish but it's what I need right now.

I have seen Arizona at the hospital a few times and each time she looks like she hasn't slept in days. My heart aches a little bit when I see how run down she looks but that feeling goes away when I remember what she did. I know she is trying, I have heard that she is seeing a therapist and she text me the address to her new apartment which is only a couple of blocks away. She has made the transition with Sofia effortless and she has given me what I have asked for, time and space. As I sit here thinking about how we got here and more importantly what I want, I feel my phone vibrate. As I look at the screen I see Arizona's name and open the message thinking she wants to see Sofia but instead she is asking me to talk to her, write her a letter, anything at all, that she just wants to know what I am thinking. As I read her message over and over I think about what I would say, what I want her to know but I am drawing blanks. I sit there for what feels like hours thinking about the words I would use describe the way I am feeling, hurt, sad, lonely, devastated, heartbroken all come to mind. So I decide to try and write her a letter to see what comes out.

_Arizona,_

_I have been trying to put into words what I feel but I haven't been able to find the right words, all I know is that I am lost. You say you don't know who you are anymore, well neither do I. The more I think about what has happened since the crash, the more I realize you never truly came back to me. When I was trying to save your leg and going over my plan with Owen he told me it was a bad plan, that if I did what I was planning on doing you would have chronic pain but I refused to listen to him. I told him that if I had to cut off your leg you would never come back, that you would be a shell of who you used to be and it looks like I was right. I want you to know that I regret that I couldn't save your leg, that I failed as a doctor but I am not sorry that I did it. You were dying Arizona, you were crashing and Karev tried everything to bring you back but nothing worked, the only thing that would save you was to cut off leg, so I did it, I did the one thing that would save your life. I am sorry I broke the promise that I made to you but what was I supposed to say? I knew as a doctor I shouldn't have made the promise but I wasn't thinking like a doctor, I was thinking as your wife, you were breaking down right in front of me; I couldn't sit there and watch you cry. I honestly don't think I am ready to talk about what you did, every time I think about it I get so angry, it makes me sick to think that another person has touched you the way only I should. Right now I don't know if I could ever forgive you for what you have done, maybe with some time I may feel differently but right now that's how I feel. I do know that I still love you but I don't know if that's enough anymore. I am not saying that I want a divorce but I do think that we need some time apart to think about what we both want and to try and sort through this. I also want to thank you for giving me the time and space I need to process everything that has happened, I know that it can't be easy for you, not being able to control everything but I do appreciate it. As for Sofia, I think we should continue our current arrangement and when we decide what we are going to do next then we can decide where to go from there. Just know that I will never take her from you, no matter how mad I am at you, you will always be her momma. _

_Callie_


End file.
